A child does not have to love you for the mere fact of being your son or because you are his father or mother. For a child to love you, you have to deserve it. This fact we forget more frequently than we think, we think that we have certain rights over a human being, just for the sole reason of having engendered him or having brought him into the world. And there are times that unfortunately, we are failing them as parents, especially when we say some phrases to your children with great negative impact.
Fortunately, today's education tries to find other approaches and proposes that our children are free to decide and to be who they want to be. The reflection that we must make is whether we are actually letting them be, to be who they want to be. We talk about intelligent love to promote growth in every way but the reality is, that parents fail our children in many ways, and some of them even unconsciously.
And one of the ways in which we most often screw up as parents is the way we talk to them: what we say to them and how we say it to them. Thus, the importance of taking care of our communication and language in the familySince, when we give messages to our children, even though we offer them in the name of love, we can cause harm.
This damage often results in lasting emotional wounds in children, even as adults. Hence, we have to make a reflection to stop saying some of the things that we say to children, because of the impact they can have.
For this reason, I would like to give you some examples of phrases that we use often in our day to day life and that we should avoid because of the message it sends to our children. I propose phrases, but also some behaviors that are frequent.
For example, parents sometimes find ourselves saying things like 'If you don't change, I won't love you.' We use this phrase because we believe that this way we could achieve a change in the behavior of our little one. To try to soften it, we change the phrase and say: 'You do it very well, but if you do it this way, it is better.
However, in both messages we are saying to our children, unconsciously: 'You are not enough for me' or 'You do not meet my expectations'. It is more or less the same when we do their homework for them or tell them 'I already tidy up the room, you are doing it wrong' or 'You are getting very dirty, give me the spoon that I feed you'.
Can you imagine what these messages can cause in adulthood? Perfectionism, search for continuous improvement, high levels of frustration, not believing to be enough for oneself, feeling inferior to others ...
It is like our unfulfilled ambitions we project onto our children, we pour them into them and saturate them with our nonsensical beliefs. And we do everything in the name of love, of that love that we all talk about and nobody understands. However, if we really love them we would not want our children to be copies of us.
These messages that we send without realizing it affect our children, but also the adults around us. For example, if you use these phrases with your partner, you will also be telling him that it is not enough for you, with the consequences that this may trigger.
You may be wondering ... what can parents do then to avoid sending these unconscious messages? The key is to reflect on our position and relationship with children. Once this thought is done, we will be able to make a change.
A good way not to hurt children with our sentences can be by changing the way we speak to them. For example, point out or end any situation or event by telling your child: 'I like the way you are, and if you were otherwise, I would also like you' or 'I love you just as you are, and if you were otherwise, I would love you too.' It is the best way to clear negative emotions that we may have produced without realizing it.
Do not forget that a child also feeds on what he hears, what he sees and above all, what he feels that they give him (or not) ...
Now, reflect ... What would you like to improve, remove, regulate, change ...? In short, what would you like to work as an educator to sow confidence, security and self-love in your son or daughter? And above all, to know that you are worthy of his love?
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